Confessions of a Domestic Failure: A Humorous Book About a not so Perfect Mom by Bunmi Laditan

Author:Bunmi Laditan [Laditan, Bunmi]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: MIRA
Published: 2017-05-01T05:00:00+00:00

8 P.M.

Grocery stores should have signs in front of them for new moms that read like this:

Dear valued shopper, if you are entering this store with a young child, please know that you will lose your mind. If you should find yourself in an aisle having a complete nervous breakdown, find a customer service agent who will promptly hand you a square of our finest chocolate and small glass of pinot grigio. You will then be led to one of our several massage rooms while your child is taken to our state-of-the-art nursery. We will happily finish your shopping for you and deliver your groceries to your home.

I made the mistake of taking Aubrey on a post-nap errand today. Aren’t naps supposed to relax babies? Aubrey woke up the Chucky-doll version of herself.

I should have known things were going to be bad when Aubrey screamed the whole fifteen-minute ride to the store. By the time we arrived my nerves were already fried. After parking the car I did my best to do what Emily Walker calls “be present for your child’s needs.” She didn’t want her pacifier. She didn’t want her blanket. Her diaper was dry. She didn’t want a teething cracker. I even waved my phone in front of her face and she took it alright, then threw it out of the open car window. The screen now has a tiny crack up the side. Fantastic.

“Do you want to stretch your legs, honey?” I cooed to her as she let out another feral holler. Yes, that’s it. Once we’re inside, she’ll calm down.

For my baby shower I received one of those huge shopping cart covers that are supposed to prevent your child from getting cholera from other people’s kids. I’ve been using it religiously, but even that had to go horribly wrong.

Aubrey was still screaming like her hair was on fire for the few seconds it took me to grab an abandoned shopping cart. As I opened the trunk to pull out the cholera-prevention cover, I must have been frazzled, because it slipped out of my hands and onto the cement.

That wouldn’t have been such a terrible thing, but of course I had to have parked in the only spot that was directly over a huge puddle of brown, murky water with a thin gasoline-film rainbow over the top and what looked like a plastic bag full of vomit. I picked up the cover as quickly as I could, but it was already half sopping wet with putrid muck. No way was I putting my kid in that thing. Who knew what was in that water? Flesh-eating bacteria? I couldn’t leave it in my car. I stuffed it into a nearby garbage can.

By that time, Aubrey’s wails had settled down to desperate little hiccups, so I quickly cleaned the cart handle with a baby wipe before placing her inside. By “placing” her, I mean practically forcing her squirming, defiant little body to sit down and then doing my best to strap her in.

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